black and white, girl

Familiar, forgotten, hateful things

So you feel like shit for a while. You're down, down, down.

After a period of feeling like the world crashing down on your chest, the pain eventually starts to dissipate, all those nameless feelings begin to disappear little by little . You start eating again. Little by little that sinking feeling, that ever present reminder that you're alone starts to go away. One day, you wake up and you feel good, you think about things that are important. You've put it behind you and you don't even realize it.  You move on, forget.

You might feel a little different now that the pain's gone.You might feel like somethings missing. You're not quite sure what that something is, but you'd prefer not to remember.
 Its like when you go back to your old house, and your parents painted over that spot where you scratched some drawings onto the wall. You come back and feel like somethings different, but you can't quite put a finger on it.

Now you're getting on quite well. At least you thought you were.
Its so easy for all those old familiar, hateful feelings to return.

Maybe he stops by to see you, and maybe you're confused. Maybe you remember why you loved him, maybe your heart skips a beat when you think that maybe he remembers why he loved you. He did love you, at least once. Maybe you feel hopeful and that void starts to fill with the vibrations of something once broken, struggling to start back up again . Maybe you just know everything is going to be okay.

Or maybe... he walks back out the door and you're left with that void, that feeling that's more like not feeling, a profound emptiness that now exists in your chest where, you know something used to be. You're not quite sure what that something is, and you'd really prefer not to remember. I'd really rather just forget.




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    down
black and white, girl

So, I managed to dig up my forgotten LJ account.

There was but one lonely post before I abandoned it. It had but one post, and it really made me think. I just have not changed. This makes me both happy and sad, and I don't understand how this can be. My post from somewhere around November 2007:

I think I have no original thoughts. My brain is thoroughly ordinary, not prodigious in any way, shape or form.
I'm insanely incensed at that.
I'm by no means a thinker, or a writer. I lack the ability to...see, I cant even finish this sentence!
I have all the thoughts arranged in my head, and I'd like the world to believe I'm some ridiculously profound person, dropping pearls of philosophical wisdom on your  asses. But in reality, theres pretty much nothing going on in my head.
They forgot some essential part of gray matter when they were putting me together.

I've watched too much television, maybe the stress of going through GCSEs has beaten the creativity out of me. I cant seem to remember which hole I buried my originality in. I can't even understand...

I feel, distressed and utterly frustrated. I mean, I know there's nothing new under the sun, but one of my biggest fears [ aside from goats] is to be ordinary. My greatest regrets are all risks I never took, thoughts I was too afraid to think, if that makes any sense.

I never expressed myself enough when my creativity was at its peak, so now the muses have abandoned me and I'm left to wallow in the murks of a life un-lived.

Okay, I've just been babbling on now, and I'm too tired to determine whether or not any intelligence was involved.

Its like a ridiculous feat, to be able to express myself the way I want. The more I think about how helpless I am in that department, the more frustrated I get, I can't help obsessing over my flaws, rather then emphasizing my strong points. I used to be so confident, I used to be so outgoing, so sure, so happy.
God, I don't know what happened to me.
I'm 16 years old and I haven't lived, and I get the frightening feeling that its not going to get much better than this.

I recently moved to florida from Jamaica, after I finished high school this summer.
I'm in a new house, new school, new frickin country.
I miss my friends terribly, but I cant figure out if thats the reason for all this.

All I can think about is how much is wrong with me, with my life.
I try to look back at the positive things I've gone through, and all I can see is the regrets.
Theres so many things I wish I did in high school. I never took any risks. I never acted on any crushes, I never partied, I never snuck out ...God, I never did anything. I never broke the rules

Theres nothing I can do to change that, and it feels like I'll never be confident enough to do the things I want to do, I don't even think I want to do them anymore. Even if I did, I don't have anyone to do them with...

Whats wrong with me?
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black and white, girl

(no subject)

So. I decided for once in my life to take a risk on something. I never used to be afraid of life, but I've never been rewarded for taking a risk. But this time I did, once again. And it blew up in my face.

 It was like that scene in the Hulk, when the hulk chucked a van into a helicoptor and it blew all to shit.

Yep, thats pretty much how it was.

I actually feel pretty good though. Even though I don't have a hollywood movie life, and shit happens, I'm still cool with it.
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